When someone asks me about my activities, I might list ‘swingin’ & dancin’ among them, at least on particular days. Of course, looking back on my life, sometimes it meant doing a two step to avoid a sticky situation or even “dancin’ around the question” a bit.
Early in life the swingin’ was surely quite juvenile. Often there were ecstatic feelings of getting to enjoy “fun stuff” with friends- swimming in the local river, hiking in the nearby mountains, building secret "getaway forts". And none of the rest mattered at the moment.
Sprinkle in the obligatory, perceived drudgery and persecutory requirements levied by well-meaning parents- room cleaning, doing homework and mowing the lawn! Uuuuuup…& dooooowwwwnnn….
The constant teeter totter continued through school, ever present, someone always seeming to be pushing or pulling. The darned thing about school was that the ups & downs had nothing to do with gravity and there was no absolute constant. In classes with the "good" teachers, the ones whom I respected the most (or related to most closely regarding their teaching style), learning came easily and excellent grades reflected that. Don't forget the OMG teachers (Oh my goodness, not THEM again!) when every passing minute seemed like an hour, having a difficult time staying in step with nearly-frozen winter molasses. In fact, at times, a crawl would have seemed lightning fast by comparison!
Ms. K began raising her hand more often, begging to be acknowledged, only to encounter the most vicious rejections. "Who are you? You're not supposed to be here in this life, this body, at this time! Go away!" That proved every bit as effective as covering ones eyes and pretending that "no one else can see me now." As the UP's got higher, the DOWN's progressed ever lower.....
An ever-present itch to “do something with life” provided an anxious drive to accomplish [something]. Jobs always seemed to present themselves (either by my begging for them or having friends invite me to work at their places of employment and introduce me to their superiors.) Although the engine that propelled the passionate enthusiasm for each consecutive employment opportunity was most certainly fueled in my inner insecurities, the net results were generally attaining leadership positions and advancement in the workplaces.
Ms. K continued to make her presence known, often subtly, but occasionally with a roar befitting a lioness claiming her territory or protecting her offspring.
What was I supposed to do?! Under constant scrutiny by society and my own conditioning, it seemed like the only thing to do was to start a family. Surely a family and the accompanying responsibilities would provide too great a challenge for Ms. K to retain foothold in my life…..surely…..
One available survival technique during family-forming years was to engage in periods of such intense activity and over-commitment that there was no room for anything or anybody else- kids off to school, off to dance, off to football, off to soccer, off to…..anything and everything. “Are you coming, coach?” And yet all it took was the occasional ceasing of motion, a break, and Ms. K became ever more fiercely demanding- “Can’t you see me? WON’T you see me?!” PLEASE?!!!!!?
Who could match the challenge, if not wonderful kids and rewarding careers? Surely there would be a mate so wonderful, so magnetic, so captivating that she might supersede previous thoughts, notions and inner challenges! I found her (or we found each other) And with the proper counseling, life could be as it should be, perfectly shoe-horned into a quaint little, society accepted….MOLD, BOX, STEREOTYPE, choose a word! It seemed like it made sense at the time, but the magic was all too short-lived.
As if everything previously in life had simply been the warm-up bands for the concert that was about to play, Ms. K added more speakers, amps and volume. Not to be silenced, the concert progressed incessantly toward crescendo with a deafening, repeating demand, “Let me be! Let me be ME!” Could ther ever be any peace or quiet in this life?
In the course of a couple short years (and sudden loss of some good friends), there remained only one vision, one goal, one ever-present commitment- Kimi must live!
Although there have certainly been many changes, tears and challenges, the rhythm now swings and rocks, every day becoming more fulfilling and more focused- would anyone like to dance with me?
