There is a person very near to me, so near in fact, she's been "there" all my conscious life. She's so real, the question was always more "Why is this not the person everyone else sees? Do they see no further than the cursory surface glance that takes only a careless passing second?"
There was no outward validation available because she kept very private, hidden to the vast world outside, meticulously covering any tracks that may have been made in recent excursions to 'the outside world.' A silently screaming thought was ever-present- "Why can't I just be me?"
But surely nobody else would understand, I mean really, becoming a woman after leading an apparently successful life as "that guy?" What would the neighbors think? What would friends think? And the family, no less! Would they still like me if they found out? Who's Kimi?
The scream persisted, outwardly reflecting as no more than a deafening whisper that no one else was hearing; at least they didn't seem to (or want to). Seismically advancing to a point of exploding, like a pent up volcano with no way else to contain the pressure, emotional magma advanced determinedly toward the surface.
There were simply no longer practical avenues to contain the massive pressure, and the choice was a 'plan to proceed' with a timed explosion of sorts, as opposed to an uncontrolled, un-aimed and potentially more devastating blast.
Many questions had been previously asked, but the answers still begged to be revealed- if the same questions never received acceptable or understandable answers, might the questions themselves be wrong? Or might the answers simply be different than idealistically anticipated and be ignored?
If this is not the person everyone else sees, what could make them see? Visual aids are amazingly effective, when used kindly- hair getting MUCH longer; fingernails allowed to grow beyond the old "mechanic" length (and a splash of clear polish to shine in the eyes now and then :-)
And why live behind that closed door, that self-imposed barrier to freedom and peace? It feels good to step out into the sunshine and walk down the street, stepping confidently into a restaurant, museum or clothing store...or for that matter, the local supermarket! Could this all be that simple?
Absolutely!!! (with a caveat) Simple does not necessarily mean easy, it just means there are not a lot of ingredients to the plan. There was one final, major, self-imposed hurdle to be overcome, the final haunting questions- will my friends still like me if they find out? And the neighbors? And the FAMILY?!
Let's address in order:
Neighbors?- Some have become friends and some never engaged beyond 'hello' at the mailbox- they're very likely wonderful people, but do I owe them my life? Hardly!
Friends- This is the easiest. Real friends have stayed loyal and true. Some acquaintances have stayed as well, even revealing themselves to be true friends! And some have gone.....
Family- Now that was scary! I have been a husband, a provider, a father, a son, a brother, a grandfather an uncle--- too many labels to digest easily. With any fortune they will all realize I have always loved them, cared for them, supported them, encouraged them and even written notes to the teachers when they were ill.
The question "What are we going to call you now?" has a simple answer- Kimi!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
The Dastardly D's
As people continue to apply their labels to any one (sometimes seems like EVERYONE else), it makes me wonder, 'Who identified the label to begin with? And what are the guidelines?'
For example, there are "different, disordered, dysphoric and even defective" that have been applied to me and others I know.
"Different" I can centainly understand and don't find particularly offensive. In fact, I think we could safely say we're ALL different in some form (at least according to the labels) male-female; tall- short; physically challenged- physically gifted; mentally challenged-mentally gifted.
And to further drive stakes into the hearts of labels, here are statistics I discovered, highly accurate according to me because I actually researched them on the internet. If you have better numbers or more accurate statistics, please share ASAP, before everyone figures out I'm really not that smart.
7-10% of people born are left- handed, mostly male- how about a form for employment that says please inform us if you are a male who writes left handed. I think that would certainly be considered descrimination, wouldn't it? And, by the way, left-handedness is determined in the womb, and a higher than "normal" concentration of testosterone present during pregnancy can increase chance of left-handedness. Whoa! Back me up a minute- did I hear in there it was actually possible to be BORN left-handed? You mean it wasn't some unacceptable fetish activity a child developed, simply to annoy teachers and parents? Hmmm... BORN THAT WAY. Simply because 90-93% of the population is right-handed and most activities are far more awkward for a right-hander to attempt left-handed, it's a natural leap to equate left-handedness with awkwardness. What kind of brilliant thinking is that? Just to follow up on that, I've had friends who were left-handed, far more athletic than I, far more intelligent than I, and certainly with far superior penmanship! And I never gave it a thought that they were "different." Oh yes, and they were actually BORN that way.
According to MENSA, a respected group of individuals whose common distinction is an incredibly high IQ (should we lobby to have than changed to woMENSA? (Just a thought, go ahead and slap me- and if anyone suggests it was my idea, I'll certainly deny it.) Back to MENSA after that unfortunate digression- people who test over 175 IQ are considered "genius", but only about 2% of the population can claim that. I'm convinced I could have done better on the IQ test if my smart friends had only let me use their study notes. Now, here we go again, if only 2% of people have that kind of IQ, wouldn't that certainly be considered "different" (at least than the majority) Different turns to "gifted" in most cases when describing those with genius- better not call that one a defect or some genius will lobby for a new statute, the "Calling of Those With Higher Than Normal Intellect Unacceptable" law. Even I know that's CTWHTNIU (thought you could fool me, eh?)
Now for a little fun stuff- according to Gallup, 21% of men are gay and 22% of women are lesbian- say what?!!! Even most conserative of conservative experts say over 10%, but majority of Americans polled figure over 20%. More than the geniuses? More than the left-handers? Combined! And we're considered outcast??? At the very least, for those counting label zones anyway, gays and lesbians should move up at least 2-3 rungs on the "how different are we really" ladder.
I've long since figured out it's possible to find a statistic, draw a fancy pie graph chart (no whipped cream or berries on this one) to present a notion that something is unusual, undesirable or even implied to be "wrong."
I don't buy it, not even with the incredibly deflated penny I still carry in my pocket for no discernable reason. But I do offer a suggestion to all- next time you see a person and wonder how you might label them, try "a person" on for size. You'll be amazed how good it can feel :-)
Love, Kimi 8/11/2010
For example, there are "different, disordered, dysphoric and even defective" that have been applied to me and others I know.
"Different" I can centainly understand and don't find particularly offensive. In fact, I think we could safely say we're ALL different in some form (at least according to the labels) male-female; tall- short; physically challenged- physically gifted; mentally challenged-mentally gifted.
And to further drive stakes into the hearts of labels, here are statistics I discovered, highly accurate according to me because I actually researched them on the internet. If you have better numbers or more accurate statistics, please share ASAP, before everyone figures out I'm really not that smart.
7-10% of people born are left- handed, mostly male- how about a form for employment that says please inform us if you are a male who writes left handed. I think that would certainly be considered descrimination, wouldn't it? And, by the way, left-handedness is determined in the womb, and a higher than "normal" concentration of testosterone present during pregnancy can increase chance of left-handedness. Whoa! Back me up a minute- did I hear in there it was actually possible to be BORN left-handed? You mean it wasn't some unacceptable fetish activity a child developed, simply to annoy teachers and parents? Hmmm... BORN THAT WAY. Simply because 90-93% of the population is right-handed and most activities are far more awkward for a right-hander to attempt left-handed, it's a natural leap to equate left-handedness with awkwardness. What kind of brilliant thinking is that? Just to follow up on that, I've had friends who were left-handed, far more athletic than I, far more intelligent than I, and certainly with far superior penmanship! And I never gave it a thought that they were "different." Oh yes, and they were actually BORN that way.
According to MENSA, a respected group of individuals whose common distinction is an incredibly high IQ (should we lobby to have than changed to woMENSA? (Just a thought, go ahead and slap me- and if anyone suggests it was my idea, I'll certainly deny it.) Back to MENSA after that unfortunate digression- people who test over 175 IQ are considered "genius", but only about 2% of the population can claim that. I'm convinced I could have done better on the IQ test if my smart friends had only let me use their study notes. Now, here we go again, if only 2% of people have that kind of IQ, wouldn't that certainly be considered "different" (at least than the majority) Different turns to "gifted" in most cases when describing those with genius- better not call that one a defect or some genius will lobby for a new statute, the "Calling of Those With Higher Than Normal Intellect Unacceptable" law. Even I know that's CTWHTNIU (thought you could fool me, eh?)
Now for a little fun stuff- according to Gallup, 21% of men are gay and 22% of women are lesbian- say what?!!! Even most conserative of conservative experts say over 10%, but majority of Americans polled figure over 20%. More than the geniuses? More than the left-handers? Combined! And we're considered outcast??? At the very least, for those counting label zones anyway, gays and lesbians should move up at least 2-3 rungs on the "how different are we really" ladder.
I've long since figured out it's possible to find a statistic, draw a fancy pie graph chart (no whipped cream or berries on this one) to present a notion that something is unusual, undesirable or even implied to be "wrong."
I don't buy it, not even with the incredibly deflated penny I still carry in my pocket for no discernable reason. But I do offer a suggestion to all- next time you see a person and wonder how you might label them, try "a person" on for size. You'll be amazed how good it can feel :-)
Love, Kimi 8/11/2010
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